Best Phone Call Ever.

Due to the global irregularity of time zone changes, I receive phone calls at some bizarre times. With friends all over the country, I understand that it's sometimes difficult to remember that there could be a three hour time difference between our respective locations. The only reason I bring this up is because I got a phone call at 4:00 in the morning.

Digital watches were a neat invention.

So, Valentine's day rolled around again. Which, for the uninitiated means that I receive bouquets of flowers, boxes of candy, and heartfelt message on my phone. Not really, but you get the idea.

I got the best Valentine's day present ever. EVER. I received a phone call from an obviously drunk and horny ex girlfriend. God bless her. This wasn't your normal run of the mill phone call, it was the kind that only two people who have had carnal knowledge of each other can have. It started off innocently enough.

"Hey babe, I'm in bed wearing that teddy you got me," she said. I've never bought here a negligee, but I decided to play along.

"Hmmmppph," I grunted...very sexily, I might add, if you think the emanations of a bull moose are 'very sexy'.

"I just got so hot thinking about you, that I started a little bit early," she continued. At this point I started getting a little hot under the collar myself. In an effort to even the stakes a little bit, I took off my shirt and pants, though I kept my socks on. I usually get cold feet, plus girls love to see a naked guy in socks, though she obviously couldn't see me.

It's been awhile since I even spoken normally to this girl, but hey, I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Feeling a little silly, I replied "I'm touching myself too..." Scratching behind my ears is technically touching myself, right?

Here is where the conversation took a turn for the bizarre. "When are you going to be coming over?" she asked.

Wait. What? Coming over there? Double entendre aside, not only do I live in Colorado, but I'm pretty sure that I hadn't planned on going to LA over Valentine's day. It was at this moment that I realized three things.

1. She is dating someone else.
2. She meant to dial someone else.
3. She has absolutely no clue that it was me.

"Baby," I whispered. "You know what I want right now?"

"Tell me," she purred.

The next words out of my mouth are a uniquely Wil way of wording. Alliteration aside, the phrase I was about to utter is mine. And she knows it's mine.

"Baby, I want a little... Carnal Drunken Monkey Sex."

I heard the phone drop at the same time I heard a male voice in the background say "Babe, where are you?"





So. Some advice to you, dear readers. After you finish dating someone, take them out of your speed dial.